idk

Aug 19, 2025 5:48pm

I think it’s gonna rain in a little bit. There’s gusts of wind going through the trees, you can hear the limbs moving outside. While I’m upstairs at my desk, in my chair with the notes open on my phone Fighting through resistance   The one that’s pulling me to stop and doom scroll till I’m tired. The one that says that there’s no benefit to me doing this because it’ll never amount to anything. “Don’t worry I’m listening. Keep talking.” Says that it’s pointless, that i don’t need to write to figure out what’s wrong with me. Or just so i can make sure that I’m watering myself. Yes. That’s why I’m doing this in this very moment. Because i can get lost and forget my ways. But doing it because if i water myself even when i feel drained or that there’s nothing there, i still sharpen my skills. I’ve taken a few days off of writing which makes me cycle back onto the same mental course that inevitably makes me feel worse and worse. The fear fuels my thoughts to another level. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Who knows. Motion is what stops…. Ya know what. I’m not about to try and be prophetic. I have wisdom in me but it’s def not something i mindfully live by every single day of my life. And i mean that for all types of wisdom. I try to. I definitely do. But the love i have for chilling and doing nothing feels so much better. Sometimes. Really only when it’s rewarded. That’s why I’m hard on myself. Well that’s not why I’m hard on myself but i know that if i am then the times i get to just chill can be that and nothing else. I can enjoy the cake without worry about feeling bad later or in the moment. This fan is loud as fuck behind my head. It’s got a loose rattle when it’s turned on and idk how to fix it, it’s only used for keeping me sort of cool when I’m at work. It’s way better in the morning when the sun isn’t out. Shoot we also use it to try and help clear some smoke out whenever we can. At least i do - lowkey this shit sounds a lot more broken than it used to 😂 i wish the fan was actually good at keeping me cool tho. But you need something that can actually plug-in in order to be good when it’s as hot as it is in the car. Okay idk what else to write but this is gonna be my addition to whatever the hell im doing 🙂‍↕️🤷‍♂️